Divine Abandonment

A bit of a convo I was having over facebook messenger with my sister, Amanda this evening regarding a novena that I'm praying which she sent to me: Novena of Surrender to Divine Will

"I think part of my problem is that I don't know what letting go feels like? I mean - I let go with a lot of things, and have practiced this trust in Divine Love since I was a teenager, really. That's when I discovered its beauty. Like right now - I know what I want for orders, but I'll take what God sends me, because He knows where I'm headed. I know that hoping is not contrary to letting go - there's nothing wrong with being optimistic.

But when it comes to Adam, my heart gets sad because it has this crazy misconception that "letting go and letting God" means that I have to somehow keep myself from loving him. My head knows that's nonsense. I'm pretty sure you still loved Ty when you decided to let go. 

I know that I should follow my own advice and "pray hard, trust harder". This is one of my personal favorite adages, and I truly believe in it. I just need to figure out how it feels in this instance - if that makes any sense? Saying the words is all fine and dandy, but how do I get my heart to believe it?"

When I was 15, the ladies in my class were preparing to take a class trip to France to visit all of the schools that are run by the Dominicans of the Holy Name of Jesus (Fanjeaux, France). At the time, ours was the only one not in France - now they have 3 in the US, a couple in Germany, and some others, I'm sure... Anyway, we had been doing fundraisers galore and working odd jobs and anything we could do to raise money for this trip. Can't remember exactly, but I'm 99 percent certain we sold candy bars too, you know the brand: World's Finest Chocolate.... man, I have some stories about fundraising adventures, ha! (another time, I suppose). The trip was right around the corner, and I was quite late in getting my passport paperwork submitted; in fact too late, as the timelines indicated. I was terrified that I'd not get it back in time to go. Then I got the brilliant idea to get down on my knees and beg God to do as He pleases, and to give me the heart to accept His will whatever it may be. I got up without a trace of that fear, and accepted wholeheartedly  in that moment that I would go, or I wouldn't, and trusted Him to let me know. My passport did in fact arrive just a few days prior to our departure (Deo Gratias!); but from that moment, I began to live my life as one of trust in Divine Love, knowing that I would never be led astray. I truly believe that this is the source of my contentedness with life in general. 

But like I told Amanda... that doesn't mean that hope is also abandoned. Not at all. My heart is full of hope all the time. It's what gets me through each day. 

Cruise #8

Day 79 of this deployment, technically, and 51 days underway for most of my command - 40 for me and the launch crew. Yes, I know I'm lucky.

Although my eighth cruise, this is technically only my sixth deployment. Anyone who has had to do the two cruise/one deployment shenanigans that are the 7th fleet forward deployed specialties will know what I mean and certainly sympathize, haha.

I'm looking forward to this being my LAST cruise. Perhaps not my last deployment - that all depends on if I retire at 20 or not - but certainly my last war cruise. Praise Jesus!!!

Ok, I really need to get work done. So behind tonight. But I'll continue later.... promise.

Honest much?

"The second one is deeply personal, and I think I've only ever given out the link once or twice. Strangely enough, I've deleted posts from it that I thought were too difficult to let others, even strangers see. But I know now that that shouldn't matter, and I will make an effort to overcome that issue" - a message I'd sent to my sisters in our collective group chat this morning when I told them that I intended to begin writing in my blogs again. The first is one of poetry and prose, and this.... well, I've already said. 

So much on my heart, but my brain seems to function little these days. I suppose that's one reason why I needed to start writing again. Sharpen up the ol' dull brain again. I have a lot of catching up to do here, and may or may not. Certainly I wish to continue recounting my life as a Sailor - what short time I have of that particular adventure left. Yes, short time indeed. Sixteen years down this past April. Wherever did the time go?

A poem I wrote in another blog

cloudy eyes and sailing thoughts


Again on watch, as my poetry goes
It seems like my only inspiration these days.
The olympiad sounds from the screen behind
But it's near three am so it's all replays.
If you'll wait a moment, I'll make a note
In the duty log, zero three hundred -- secure
Four and a half hours left, thank god!
Then out of this uniform and in bed for sure.
I'm distracted you know, so much going on
In my head: a constant tornado of sorts;
And I'm exhausted, can't wait for my thoughts
-Dissapointed ships- to secure in their ports.
So, driving home, soon - not soon enough
I'll breathe "Deo Gratias" at the thought of my bed
I so welcome sleep, which keeps me from thinking
And for a moment erases the things that were said.



(the url for this blog came from the title of this poem)

It was Christmas Day...

I lay prostrate on the ground and breathed out the last sincere words of the Christmas novena: Hail and blessed be...

Shortly thereafter I climbed into bed and thanked God for the wonderful Christmas He had blessed me with.

I don't know what came over me.  The low and deepening depression that had been lowering over my head for the past few months came to a point.  And without warning it pierced my heart like a sharp, cold iron spike.  I lay quietly in the dark on that frozen winter night, and without warning hot, sorrowful tears coursed slowly down my cheeks .

I will never forget you. I will always pray for you. And as I lay there I offered up the sadness in my heart to the Lord for you. That you will find your way, your happiness, and the will of God.

A year ago I bravely decided to open up my heart after ten long years of uncertainty and fear of.... i don't know what... and aknowledged that I love you.  And I did. And I still do. And I regret not a moment of it.

I pray that you will no longer be lost.

May the Divine Infant bless you and our holy Mother guide you always.

Wowwy

Oh lawdy! Whatever have you done!

It's almost time

And it's so hard. Every day, hour, minute that brings me closer makes me weep unreservedly in my heart.
Today I spent most of my free time emailing my Love. It was generally light and sweet and rends my heart in ways I didn't think possible.
He's not going to forgive me. He's going to think I've abandoned him. And I love him. And how!
But I have to do what's right. And I can only pray that he will understand. Which he should. But all people are unpredictable. Fly out to PI? What I wouldn't give! But the circumstances don't allow. They don't fit. If I can't be a good woman then I won't do it; no matter how my heart breaks, how my souls sighs.
Is there a possibility that I will see him again - maybe magically standing on my front door step after he takes orders to Virginia? A possibility that when I leave him to his thoughts, to his life, to the existence he had before we met, that he will realize that we are soul mates?
Well life is full of possibilities. But thus is asking too much. Hoping too far.

I pray for him daily. I say a rosary for him every day. And I will entrust his soul and my beaten and bruised heart to Our Holy Mother's gentle loving care.

Midnight gym sesh

(Missing my workout buddy =\ )

Hmmm

Tomorrow I have a date after Mass.  Out to dinner we'll go.  He  wants to have drinks afterwards but that will be the end of the night for me. I'm on 24/7 SAPR duty this week and can't be drinking. It's actually working out in my favor to be the perfect excuse to end the evening. I detest going on dates. They're usually just fine, but I'm not the type that generally enjoys them. Granted I've only been on about six in the past seven and a half years... so I can't really claim experience in the field. My old friend John says I have a phobia. I don't. I'm just ridiculously picky. To a fault I guess. But I know what I want. I've always known. I thought I met someone once who fit the billet. My heart will never be same... because I finally learned that I can in fact love again, and that it is far more resilient and open to possibility than I gave it credit for. I believe though that maybe I was just someone for him to lean on and let go.
As it stands my decision to release and encourage him to move forward with his life is still in effect.

They say (whoever they seemingly are) that we should let go those whom we love, and if the love is truly returned, that person will come back to us.

Final descent into Paris

We've begun our descent into CDG, Paris. I'll just have barely enough time to get through customs and onto my next flight to Toulouse. There I'll be meeting Emma Gilmartin (DeTar) and together we will have a lovely Sunday afternoon lunch and shopping in the Southern French countryside.
On the way here I stopped in a sunglass shop and bought a new pair of raybans. Having "lost" my wayfarers at mom's I've felt practically naked without my favorite sunnies. Honestly I doubt they were lost - hence the quotation marks. If one of the girls borrowed them then thats alright she can have them. But I have a sneaking suspicion that someone might have stolen them to pawn for drug money. I pray dear Lord, that you help him to the first step of realizing his addiction and accepting our help. Before it's too late.
How lovely she is, La France! Even from the air. I've got tears of joy and excitement! I haven't seen Cassie in over a year, and the last time I was in this part of France was 13 years ago!
Oh - there go the landing gears - I can feel them. SO EXCITED!

On watch

So this week I have the base roving SAPR watch. Every night. For seven days straight. Bleh. But it's really not so very bad. I have Chief Ramirez with me and he's not a boring fellow. And now I know my way around the base. So good learning experience all around.

Ten years and counting

You know that feeling when you wake up and can't figure out why your stomach aches and your mind is heavy and foggy, and your whole body just wants to give up on the day already? Then you recognize the feeling as utter depression. And by that point you're awake enough to remember why. That's this morning for me. And I just kept going back to sleep.


But on a very happy note, today is my TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY IN THE NAVY I can't believe it. He has been so good to me. I love my job, and have been very blessed.

Let's be honest

I'll probably end up breaking my own heart... not the first time, hopefully the last.

Logic and reasoning are terrible and exacting masters.

It has to be done the right way, all the way.  We promised.   Let's keep that promise.

On Children and Lent

Children are such amazing creatures.  Teaching them to be adults long before their time is an art I think...  Of course, in doing so we need to be scrupulously careful to maintain their childhood and innocence.  But teaching them to share, to be kind, gentle, loving, forgiving, understanding, truthful, straightforward, etc. is setting them up to meet the world as adults in such a fashion that they can't help but conquer!  It's amazing how a two year old really does understand sharing and love.  It's even more amazing to see them demonstrate understanding that they can get away with the opposite. 
Jude is two.  The things Jude says are typical of a two year old, but since I don't live in the same household, it constantly takes me by surprise how much he understands, and the things that he says...  Two is still baby in my mind, but not infantile, and that's where I forget to remember.  He has so much personality and character, and quite the imagination.  It's like his mother said: at that stage they're not quite kid yet but not baby either.  I guess they're just a human version of a spring zephyr.
Anyways... I do tend to get distracted.  I'm talking about Jude, but what brought me to this topic, or rather who is Quinn, the four and a half year old.   He was telling me about a children's tv show that they gave up as a "sacrifice" for Lent.  Now I get it that a two and a four year old might not necessarily understand fully the connotation of making sacrifices, but in their own young hearts, they get it on a child's level.  They are of the understanding that sacrifices make them better people, and that they make God happy.  An innocent child needs to know only that... and it's good enough for them.  It's amazing, and it's beautiful.  About an hour later I hear Quinn complaining about something (I can't remember now) and his mother told him gently that he should offer it up as a Lenten sacrifice.  He agreed and stopped his complaining.
This is setting a child up to be a heroic adult.  To see the supernatural side of our so natural lives!  It's how the early Christians were able to smile in the face of the roaring lions that were about to tear them to pieces because they refused to compromise, even just a tiny bit, their beliefs. 
and I'm distracted again...  guess I should shower and get ready for the day.

Tiny interim

Wow, it's been several years since I've updated this blog.  Not that I've forgotten it - indeed it seems like just a few months ago that I last wrote herein.
So much has transpired since then.  Capped to First, transferred to Japan, four more deployments out to sea.  The last two were as the LPO of the shop and my goodness what a joy and utter heartache that was, all at the same time.  I'm grateful to have undergone it, and so glad it's over.  Took the Chief's exam, and didn't make board.  A blessing in disguise I assume.  I had a really good LDO package ready for this year.   Oh well.

I'm thirty three years old.  I remember my mom being 33.  I was ten.  She was pregnant with my little brother Dave, number six.  I'm still single, and generally content with that - not happy exactly, but content.  I've lived many successful years being satisfied with content.  Someday happiness will be mine.  Fortunately for me, I have joy in my heart.  A soul can go its entire life on the fruits of joy.  Happiness is not necessary - it's merely a happening, a moment or sequence of moments in time that make our hearts swell to near bursting.  The feeling is glorious and desirable, but without joy it fades quickly and the crash is terribly and woefully exhausting.  So I can live without it I suppose... simply because it's not lasting.  Joy is.  Or rather it can be.  There are times when I feel like even joy has deserted my poor heart.  And on those days even I must admit to needing someone on whose shoulder I can rest my head... but no...

And speaking of my heart... well, let's just say that it beats a little stronger these days.  It's been put through quite a series of strenuous workouts over the past several months.  They say working out makes you strong.  Well there you go.

And then, there's someone I want to tell you about...  but maybe another time.  It's a very long story that I actually have chronicled in a series of email that were sent and received during my last months of sea duty.  Let it just suffice to be said that I rarely if ever write about someone, and this one... this one I'll write about.  It's a story that I don't ever want to forget; even if it does end up breaking my heart down for good.  That will be a rough day, and I pray that I don't see it (any time soon at least). *Le sigh*

One more hour until midnight... and then it's Sunday.  The third Sunday in Lent.  This Lent means a lot to me ♥

Day 200, Cruise #2

So I successfully completed cruise '09 and then swiftly moved on to cruise '10; and we are on day 200, with less than a week to go before completing it. Thank heavens!

So often have I thought of updating my blog during this deployment; the fact of the matter is however, that the internet connection is so very slow on the ship it's nearly impossible. Or it was, since I was working 14 hour days on the flight deck throwing thumbs in the air and shooting jets off the pointy end. Many relfections and ponderings that I'd liked to have held onto are fled far from memory, and I'll just have to start from scratch. That's alright.

Sisterly love

Dear Cass,
It is already 3:30 in the morning for me on Holy Thursday. I can't believe that Holy Week is here already, and almost gone. I try to say my rosary at night when I'm in my rack, but I'm so tired that I don't think I even finish the first decade before I'm fast asleep. There is Holy Thursday Mass tonight at 1700, so I'm going to go. I already told my supervisor that I might be late for work. In my opinion, this comes first. Good Friday services are at 1500, so I'll have to get up super early, and Easter Vigil is at 1700 on Saturday… again, probably will be late for work. Easter Sunday Mass is at 0830, and I'll not have gone to bed yet, so I'll be able to attend that as well. It's this week every year that makes me truly miss being home. I haven't attended Tenebrae in five years at least, and haven't sung a reading in eight. Really, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. You have no idea how much I miss it; it's rather heartbreaking. I keep swallowing the urge to cry, and it's only giving me a headache. Soon, the days will have passed, and I'll have another year to pass until I feel this sorrow again.
I keep thinking about how I need to keep the Blessed Sacrament company tomorrow night (or tonight rather) and that I can't because I have to work. How insignificant this all seems to me when I think of that. I mean, it's not insignificant, but my heart just takes over sometimes, as much as I try to keep it in check. It just doesn't ever want to listen; but I rule it with an iron fist.
I need to go see if I can't stencil one of my nice white spare jerseys (turtleneck, or what have you) so that I have a nice clean flightdeck uniform to wear to the chapel (civilian clothes aren't authorized unless we're in port). What a depressing thought… that I'll be wearing camouflage pants, steeltoe boots and a white turtleneck with my squadron and shop stenciled on it to Holy Week services, and Easter Mass. ='(
Good Night, I miss you.
Love, Dayna
P.s. You could always read my emails to you to mom, since she's having a hard time using her hands to get on the computer.


Dear Dayna Poo,
I know how you feel about Holy Week :( I have class on Thursday and work, so I cant go to Mass. I might just skip work, but I really need the hours you know? It's annoying. I'm sorry you can't dress up for mass, that is sad :( But just think of yourself as a soldier of Christ :) Well I know what you mean about the insignificance, but in the eyse of God it is insignificant when related to the worship of his son, but in relation to the world of course its not insignificant. "Who best/ bear his mild yoke they serve him best. His state/ Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed/ and post o'er land and ocean without rest:/ They also serve who only stand and wait." :)I will try to read some of your emails to mom, but im hardly over there. So yeah. School is crazy right now, getting too close to finals. I had a metaphysics midterm today that i didnt know about -- I walked in and everyone is quiet and writing... Im like ummmm lol... oh well :) I imagine i did alright anyhow :) Keep my in your prayers,
Love, Cassie



Dear Dayna Smayna,
Well I havent much to say lol. Just thought I'd drop a line or two to say hello. Same old same old here. Two weeks of school left. Summer will be good, too bad I'm not independently wealthy. There is a St. Bernard in our office. Big Dog. Little Office. Good times :P. You haven't written in your blog or journal 'sup with that? I haven't done much either in that area. Oh well! So much for my literature ambitions hehe :D Alright, well Im going home.
Au Revoir,
Cass



I'm glad you write, even if it's just a little bit, you know....
It seems to me that it is roughly nine in the morning there... so I'm guessing that you're not yet at school. However, I don't quite remember which days you are taking classes and at which hours. Of course, I could always (and most likely will when I'm done with this) open up the email in which you detailed your schedule (pronounce shed-jewel, lol) and refresh my memory.
I haven't been writing, because work has really been hell for for us lately. I've heard many saying that work wise, this is the worst cruises they've ever been on. I was reflecting yesterday though, that despite all that, I'm rather enjoying this cruise. Guess it helps that I'm one of those freaks that just loves to work. Lol.
Oh and also speaking of writing, I did actually write something the other day, while I was daydreaming after my shift had ended, and I was sitting in the shop avoiding the hour dedicated to cleaning the berthing. Rofl. I will retrieve it and put it in my blog shortly after I send this email.
How I miss you! I am so very lonely out here ='( I have my couple really good friends, Sam and Mike; but Mike is leaving in a couple weeks (not that I see him much anyways, since he works days). And I try to eat midrats and morning chow with Sam, but don't always get to do so since her work schedule and mine don't correspond all that well. I'm the only girl on my shift, the other girl in my shop works days... so going to chow with Sam is what I get in the way of very necessary girl-time, you know?
I have my MP3 player hooked up to the surround sound here in the ready room, and the song currently playing is Paper Bag by Anna Nalick. How I love her music!
Well, I guess I'll write more later.
Que je t'aime avec tout mon coeur!
Daynabo

Day 53

Hmmm, day 53. Not sure if it actually sounds as long as it feels. I stepped foot on dry land a couple days ago, and today is my duty day, and tomorrow, I will go out to town and go shopping! =)
Port is such a relief... mentally, physically, emotionally. We all really needed this! They have been slave driving us. No, really. But I am glad to finally get enough sleep, and will be ready to get back to the daily grind when the time comes.

Day 1

Today is our first official day of cruise... The first of many days... five months.
We're doing carrier quals for flight ops the first two days, as is usual... but oh so boring. And my right knee in particular already hurts =( Luckily however, I bought a couple sets of Dr. Scholls for-her 16-hour-workdays insoles, and let me tell you that wow there is such a huge difference. My feet hurt, but not nearly as much as they would without them. Thank goodness I got them!

Currently I am sitting at the desk in the ready room standing the ASDO watch. 2400 to 0800. So boring! I'd rather be working on the jets. However, it does give me a good opportunity to update my blog as well as write letters to my friends and family. I've also been tasked with sweeping and mopping the floor. So pretty much just stuff to keep me busy. And as soon as Lopez gets back with tommorow's flight schedule, I' ll set about writing it on the white board here.

I'm working night check which means I arrive in my shop around 1730 and leave around 0630. The days are pretty long, and there's no break, really, until we pull into port. We work monday through sunday. When we pull into port we get three or four days off, but one of those days will most certainly be a duty day. On those days, we can't leave the ship and continue to work the maintenance that has been laid out for us, as well as standing watches.

Well, I'm going to start working on that letter writing....

Sailor, where art thou?

I love Rudyard Kipling... His book, Captains Courageous is what first inspired me to want to become a sailor, at the age of eleven...

I still have that copy, with my sixth-grade handwritten signature on the first page.

This summer, when my squadron, and several other squadrons with whom we work, including CAG, were working in Fallon Nv, I met another sailor about my age who also loves Rudyard Kipling.

He emailed me a poem by said author, and loving it, I now present it to you.



[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!


--Rudyard Kipling