Divine Abandonment

A bit of a convo I was having over facebook messenger with my sister, Amanda this evening regarding a novena that I'm praying which she sent to me: Novena of Surrender to Divine Will

"I think part of my problem is that I don't know what letting go feels like? I mean - I let go with a lot of things, and have practiced this trust in Divine Love since I was a teenager, really. That's when I discovered its beauty. Like right now - I know what I want for orders, but I'll take what God sends me, because He knows where I'm headed. I know that hoping is not contrary to letting go - there's nothing wrong with being optimistic.

But when it comes to Adam, my heart gets sad because it has this crazy misconception that "letting go and letting God" means that I have to somehow keep myself from loving him. My head knows that's nonsense. I'm pretty sure you still loved Ty when you decided to let go. 

I know that I should follow my own advice and "pray hard, trust harder". This is one of my personal favorite adages, and I truly believe in it. I just need to figure out how it feels in this instance - if that makes any sense? Saying the words is all fine and dandy, but how do I get my heart to believe it?"

When I was 15, the ladies in my class were preparing to take a class trip to France to visit all of the schools that are run by the Dominicans of the Holy Name of Jesus (Fanjeaux, France). At the time, ours was the only one not in France - now they have 3 in the US, a couple in Germany, and some others, I'm sure... Anyway, we had been doing fundraisers galore and working odd jobs and anything we could do to raise money for this trip. Can't remember exactly, but I'm 99 percent certain we sold candy bars too, you know the brand: World's Finest Chocolate.... man, I have some stories about fundraising adventures, ha! (another time, I suppose). The trip was right around the corner, and I was quite late in getting my passport paperwork submitted; in fact too late, as the timelines indicated. I was terrified that I'd not get it back in time to go. Then I got the brilliant idea to get down on my knees and beg God to do as He pleases, and to give me the heart to accept His will whatever it may be. I got up without a trace of that fear, and accepted wholeheartedly  in that moment that I would go, or I wouldn't, and trusted Him to let me know. My passport did in fact arrive just a few days prior to our departure (Deo Gratias!); but from that moment, I began to live my life as one of trust in Divine Love, knowing that I would never be led astray. I truly believe that this is the source of my contentedness with life in general. 

But like I told Amanda... that doesn't mean that hope is also abandoned. Not at all. My heart is full of hope all the time. It's what gets me through each day. 

Honest much?

"The second one is deeply personal, and I think I've only ever given out the link once or twice. Strangely enough, I've deleted posts from it that I thought were too difficult to let others, even strangers see. But I know now that that shouldn't matter, and I will make an effort to overcome that issue" - a message I'd sent to my sisters in our collective group chat this morning when I told them that I intended to begin writing in my blogs again. The first is one of poetry and prose, and this.... well, I've already said. 

So much on my heart, but my brain seems to function little these days. I suppose that's one reason why I needed to start writing again. Sharpen up the ol' dull brain again. I have a lot of catching up to do here, and may or may not. Certainly I wish to continue recounting my life as a Sailor - what short time I have of that particular adventure left. Yes, short time indeed. Sixteen years down this past April. Wherever did the time go?

It was Christmas Day...

I lay prostrate on the ground and breathed out the last sincere words of the Christmas novena: Hail and blessed be...

Shortly thereafter I climbed into bed and thanked God for the wonderful Christmas He had blessed me with.

I don't know what came over me.  The low and deepening depression that had been lowering over my head for the past few months came to a point.  And without warning it pierced my heart like a sharp, cold iron spike.  I lay quietly in the dark on that frozen winter night, and without warning hot, sorrowful tears coursed slowly down my cheeks .

I will never forget you. I will always pray for you. And as I lay there I offered up the sadness in my heart to the Lord for you. That you will find your way, your happiness, and the will of God.

A year ago I bravely decided to open up my heart after ten long years of uncertainty and fear of.... i don't know what... and aknowledged that I love you.  And I did. And I still do. And I regret not a moment of it.

I pray that you will no longer be lost.

May the Divine Infant bless you and our holy Mother guide you always.

It's almost time

And it's so hard. Every day, hour, minute that brings me closer makes me weep unreservedly in my heart.
Today I spent most of my free time emailing my Love. It was generally light and sweet and rends my heart in ways I didn't think possible.
He's not going to forgive me. He's going to think I've abandoned him. And I love him. And how!
But I have to do what's right. And I can only pray that he will understand. Which he should. But all people are unpredictable. Fly out to PI? What I wouldn't give! But the circumstances don't allow. They don't fit. If I can't be a good woman then I won't do it; no matter how my heart breaks, how my souls sighs.
Is there a possibility that I will see him again - maybe magically standing on my front door step after he takes orders to Virginia? A possibility that when I leave him to his thoughts, to his life, to the existence he had before we met, that he will realize that we are soul mates?
Well life is full of possibilities. But thus is asking too much. Hoping too far.

I pray for him daily. I say a rosary for him every day. And I will entrust his soul and my beaten and bruised heart to Our Holy Mother's gentle loving care.