It was Christmas Day...

I lay prostrate on the ground and breathed out the last sincere words of the Christmas novena: Hail and blessed be...

Shortly thereafter I climbed into bed and thanked God for the wonderful Christmas He had blessed me with.

I don't know what came over me.  The low and deepening depression that had been lowering over my head for the past few months came to a point.  And without warning it pierced my heart like a sharp, cold iron spike.  I lay quietly in the dark on that frozen winter night, and without warning hot, sorrowful tears coursed slowly down my cheeks .

I will never forget you. I will always pray for you. And as I lay there I offered up the sadness in my heart to the Lord for you. That you will find your way, your happiness, and the will of God.

A year ago I bravely decided to open up my heart after ten long years of uncertainty and fear of.... i don't know what... and aknowledged that I love you.  And I did. And I still do. And I regret not a moment of it.

I pray that you will no longer be lost.

May the Divine Infant bless you and our holy Mother guide you always.

It's almost time

And it's so hard. Every day, hour, minute that brings me closer makes me weep unreservedly in my heart.
Today I spent most of my free time emailing my Love. It was generally light and sweet and rends my heart in ways I didn't think possible.
He's not going to forgive me. He's going to think I've abandoned him. And I love him. And how!
But I have to do what's right. And I can only pray that he will understand. Which he should. But all people are unpredictable. Fly out to PI? What I wouldn't give! But the circumstances don't allow. They don't fit. If I can't be a good woman then I won't do it; no matter how my heart breaks, how my souls sighs.
Is there a possibility that I will see him again - maybe magically standing on my front door step after he takes orders to Virginia? A possibility that when I leave him to his thoughts, to his life, to the existence he had before we met, that he will realize that we are soul mates?
Well life is full of possibilities. But thus is asking too much. Hoping too far.

I pray for him daily. I say a rosary for him every day. And I will entrust his soul and my beaten and bruised heart to Our Holy Mother's gentle loving care.

Final descent into Paris

We've begun our descent into CDG, Paris. I'll just have barely enough time to get through customs and onto my next flight to Toulouse. There I'll be meeting Emma Gilmartin (DeTar) and together we will have a lovely Sunday afternoon lunch and shopping in the Southern French countryside.
On the way here I stopped in a sunglass shop and bought a new pair of raybans. Having "lost" my wayfarers at mom's I've felt practically naked without my favorite sunnies. Honestly I doubt they were lost - hence the quotation marks. If one of the girls borrowed them then thats alright she can have them. But I have a sneaking suspicion that someone might have stolen them to pawn for drug money. I pray dear Lord, that you help him to the first step of realizing his addiction and accepting our help. Before it's too late.
How lovely she is, La France! Even from the air. I've got tears of joy and excitement! I haven't seen Cassie in over a year, and the last time I was in this part of France was 13 years ago!
Oh - there go the landing gears - I can feel them. SO EXCITED!

Ten years and counting

You know that feeling when you wake up and can't figure out why your stomach aches and your mind is heavy and foggy, and your whole body just wants to give up on the day already? Then you recognize the feeling as utter depression. And by that point you're awake enough to remember why. That's this morning for me. And I just kept going back to sleep.


But on a very happy note, today is my TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY IN THE NAVY I can't believe it. He has been so good to me. I love my job, and have been very blessed.

Let's be honest

I'll probably end up breaking my own heart... not the first time, hopefully the last.

Logic and reasoning are terrible and exacting masters.

It has to be done the right way, all the way.  We promised.   Let's keep that promise.

Tiny interim

Wow, it's been several years since I've updated this blog.  Not that I've forgotten it - indeed it seems like just a few months ago that I last wrote herein.
So much has transpired since then.  Capped to First, transferred to Japan, four more deployments out to sea.  The last two were as the LPO of the shop and my goodness what a joy and utter heartache that was, all at the same time.  I'm grateful to have undergone it, and so glad it's over.  Took the Chief's exam, and didn't make board.  A blessing in disguise I assume.  I had a really good LDO package ready for this year.   Oh well.

I'm thirty three years old.  I remember my mom being 33.  I was ten.  She was pregnant with my little brother Dave, number six.  I'm still single, and generally content with that - not happy exactly, but content.  I've lived many successful years being satisfied with content.  Someday happiness will be mine.  Fortunately for me, I have joy in my heart.  A soul can go its entire life on the fruits of joy.  Happiness is not necessary - it's merely a happening, a moment or sequence of moments in time that make our hearts swell to near bursting.  The feeling is glorious and desirable, but without joy it fades quickly and the crash is terribly and woefully exhausting.  So I can live without it I suppose... simply because it's not lasting.  Joy is.  Or rather it can be.  There are times when I feel like even joy has deserted my poor heart.  And on those days even I must admit to needing someone on whose shoulder I can rest my head... but no...

And speaking of my heart... well, let's just say that it beats a little stronger these days.  It's been put through quite a series of strenuous workouts over the past several months.  They say working out makes you strong.  Well there you go.

And then, there's someone I want to tell you about...  but maybe another time.  It's a very long story that I actually have chronicled in a series of email that were sent and received during my last months of sea duty.  Let it just suffice to be said that I rarely if ever write about someone, and this one... this one I'll write about.  It's a story that I don't ever want to forget; even if it does end up breaking my heart down for good.  That will be a rough day, and I pray that I don't see it (any time soon at least). *Le sigh*

One more hour until midnight... and then it's Sunday.  The third Sunday in Lent.  This Lent means a lot to me ♥