Honest much?

"The second one is deeply personal, and I think I've only ever given out the link once or twice. Strangely enough, I've deleted posts from it that I thought were too difficult to let others, even strangers see. But I know now that that shouldn't matter, and I will make an effort to overcome that issue" - a message I'd sent to my sisters in our collective group chat this morning when I told them that I intended to begin writing in my blogs again. The first is one of poetry and prose, and this.... well, I've already said. 

So much on my heart, but my brain seems to function little these days. I suppose that's one reason why I needed to start writing again. Sharpen up the ol' dull brain again. I have a lot of catching up to do here, and may or may not. Certainly I wish to continue recounting my life as a Sailor - what short time I have of that particular adventure left. Yes, short time indeed. Sixteen years down this past April. Wherever did the time go?

A poem I wrote in another blog

cloudy eyes and sailing thoughts


Again on watch, as my poetry goes
It seems like my only inspiration these days.
The olympiad sounds from the screen behind
But it's near three am so it's all replays.
If you'll wait a moment, I'll make a note
In the duty log, zero three hundred -- secure
Four and a half hours left, thank god!
Then out of this uniform and in bed for sure.
I'm distracted you know, so much going on
In my head: a constant tornado of sorts;
And I'm exhausted, can't wait for my thoughts
-Dissapointed ships- to secure in their ports.
So, driving home, soon - not soon enough
I'll breathe "Deo Gratias" at the thought of my bed
I so welcome sleep, which keeps me from thinking
And for a moment erases the things that were said.



(the url for this blog came from the title of this poem)

It was Christmas Day...

I lay prostrate on the ground and breathed out the last sincere words of the Christmas novena: Hail and blessed be...

Shortly thereafter I climbed into bed and thanked God for the wonderful Christmas He had blessed me with.

I don't know what came over me.  The low and deepening depression that had been lowering over my head for the past few months came to a point.  And without warning it pierced my heart like a sharp, cold iron spike.  I lay quietly in the dark on that frozen winter night, and without warning hot, sorrowful tears coursed slowly down my cheeks .

I will never forget you. I will always pray for you. And as I lay there I offered up the sadness in my heart to the Lord for you. That you will find your way, your happiness, and the will of God.

A year ago I bravely decided to open up my heart after ten long years of uncertainty and fear of.... i don't know what... and aknowledged that I love you.  And I did. And I still do. And I regret not a moment of it.

I pray that you will no longer be lost.

May the Divine Infant bless you and our holy Mother guide you always.

Wowwy

Oh lawdy! Whatever have you done!

It's almost time

And it's so hard. Every day, hour, minute that brings me closer makes me weep unreservedly in my heart.
Today I spent most of my free time emailing my Love. It was generally light and sweet and rends my heart in ways I didn't think possible.
He's not going to forgive me. He's going to think I've abandoned him. And I love him. And how!
But I have to do what's right. And I can only pray that he will understand. Which he should. But all people are unpredictable. Fly out to PI? What I wouldn't give! But the circumstances don't allow. They don't fit. If I can't be a good woman then I won't do it; no matter how my heart breaks, how my souls sighs.
Is there a possibility that I will see him again - maybe magically standing on my front door step after he takes orders to Virginia? A possibility that when I leave him to his thoughts, to his life, to the existence he had before we met, that he will realize that we are soul mates?
Well life is full of possibilities. But thus is asking too much. Hoping too far.

I pray for him daily. I say a rosary for him every day. And I will entrust his soul and my beaten and bruised heart to Our Holy Mother's gentle loving care.

Midnight gym sesh

(Missing my workout buddy =\ )

Hmmm

Tomorrow I have a date after Mass.  Out to dinner we'll go.  He  wants to have drinks afterwards but that will be the end of the night for me. I'm on 24/7 SAPR duty this week and can't be drinking. It's actually working out in my favor to be the perfect excuse to end the evening. I detest going on dates. They're usually just fine, but I'm not the type that generally enjoys them. Granted I've only been on about six in the past seven and a half years... so I can't really claim experience in the field. My old friend John says I have a phobia. I don't. I'm just ridiculously picky. To a fault I guess. But I know what I want. I've always known. I thought I met someone once who fit the billet. My heart will never be same... because I finally learned that I can in fact love again, and that it is far more resilient and open to possibility than I gave it credit for. I believe though that maybe I was just someone for him to lean on and let go.
As it stands my decision to release and encourage him to move forward with his life is still in effect.

They say (whoever they seemingly are) that we should let go those whom we love, and if the love is truly returned, that person will come back to us.