It was Christmas Day...

I lay prostrate on the ground and breathed out the last sincere words of the Christmas novena: Hail and blessed be...

Shortly thereafter I climbed into bed and thanked God for the wonderful Christmas He had blessed me with.

I don't know what came over me.  The low and deepening depression that had been lowering over my head for the past few months came to a point.  And without warning it pierced my heart like a sharp, cold iron spike.  I lay quietly in the dark on that frozen winter night, and without warning hot, sorrowful tears coursed slowly down my cheeks .

I will never forget you. I will always pray for you. And as I lay there I offered up the sadness in my heart to the Lord for you. That you will find your way, your happiness, and the will of God.

A year ago I bravely decided to open up my heart after ten long years of uncertainty and fear of.... i don't know what... and aknowledged that I love you.  And I did. And I still do. And I regret not a moment of it.

I pray that you will no longer be lost.

May the Divine Infant bless you and our holy Mother guide you always.

Wowwy

Oh lawdy! Whatever have you done!

It's almost time

And it's so hard. Every day, hour, minute that brings me closer makes me weep unreservedly in my heart.
Today I spent most of my free time emailing my Love. It was generally light and sweet and rends my heart in ways I didn't think possible.
He's not going to forgive me. He's going to think I've abandoned him. And I love him. And how!
But I have to do what's right. And I can only pray that he will understand. Which he should. But all people are unpredictable. Fly out to PI? What I wouldn't give! But the circumstances don't allow. They don't fit. If I can't be a good woman then I won't do it; no matter how my heart breaks, how my souls sighs.
Is there a possibility that I will see him again - maybe magically standing on my front door step after he takes orders to Virginia? A possibility that when I leave him to his thoughts, to his life, to the existence he had before we met, that he will realize that we are soul mates?
Well life is full of possibilities. But thus is asking too much. Hoping too far.

I pray for him daily. I say a rosary for him every day. And I will entrust his soul and my beaten and bruised heart to Our Holy Mother's gentle loving care.

Midnight gym sesh

(Missing my workout buddy =\ )

Hmmm

Tomorrow I have a date after Mass.  Out to dinner we'll go.  He  wants to have drinks afterwards but that will be the end of the night for me. I'm on 24/7 SAPR duty this week and can't be drinking. It's actually working out in my favor to be the perfect excuse to end the evening. I detest going on dates. They're usually just fine, but I'm not the type that generally enjoys them. Granted I've only been on about six in the past seven and a half years... so I can't really claim experience in the field. My old friend John says I have a phobia. I don't. I'm just ridiculously picky. To a fault I guess. But I know what I want. I've always known. I thought I met someone once who fit the billet. My heart will never be same... because I finally learned that I can in fact love again, and that it is far more resilient and open to possibility than I gave it credit for. I believe though that maybe I was just someone for him to lean on and let go.
As it stands my decision to release and encourage him to move forward with his life is still in effect.

They say (whoever they seemingly are) that we should let go those whom we love, and if the love is truly returned, that person will come back to us.

Final descent into Paris

We've begun our descent into CDG, Paris. I'll just have barely enough time to get through customs and onto my next flight to Toulouse. There I'll be meeting Emma Gilmartin (DeTar) and together we will have a lovely Sunday afternoon lunch and shopping in the Southern French countryside.
On the way here I stopped in a sunglass shop and bought a new pair of raybans. Having "lost" my wayfarers at mom's I've felt practically naked without my favorite sunnies. Honestly I doubt they were lost - hence the quotation marks. If one of the girls borrowed them then thats alright she can have them. But I have a sneaking suspicion that someone might have stolen them to pawn for drug money. I pray dear Lord, that you help him to the first step of realizing his addiction and accepting our help. Before it's too late.
How lovely she is, La France! Even from the air. I've got tears of joy and excitement! I haven't seen Cassie in over a year, and the last time I was in this part of France was 13 years ago!
Oh - there go the landing gears - I can feel them. SO EXCITED!

On watch

So this week I have the base roving SAPR watch. Every night. For seven days straight. Bleh. But it's really not so very bad. I have Chief Ramirez with me and he's not a boring fellow. And now I know my way around the base. So good learning experience all around.

Ten years and counting

You know that feeling when you wake up and can't figure out why your stomach aches and your mind is heavy and foggy, and your whole body just wants to give up on the day already? Then you recognize the feeling as utter depression. And by that point you're awake enough to remember why. That's this morning for me. And I just kept going back to sleep.


But on a very happy note, today is my TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY IN THE NAVY I can't believe it. He has been so good to me. I love my job, and have been very blessed.

Let's be honest

I'll probably end up breaking my own heart... not the first time, hopefully the last.

Logic and reasoning are terrible and exacting masters.

It has to be done the right way, all the way.  We promised.   Let's keep that promise.

On Children and Lent

Children are such amazing creatures.  Teaching them to be adults long before their time is an art I think...  Of course, in doing so we need to be scrupulously careful to maintain their childhood and innocence.  But teaching them to share, to be kind, gentle, loving, forgiving, understanding, truthful, straightforward, etc. is setting them up to meet the world as adults in such a fashion that they can't help but conquer!  It's amazing how a two year old really does understand sharing and love.  It's even more amazing to see them demonstrate understanding that they can get away with the opposite. 
Jude is two.  The things Jude says are typical of a two year old, but since I don't live in the same household, it constantly takes me by surprise how much he understands, and the things that he says...  Two is still baby in my mind, but not infantile, and that's where I forget to remember.  He has so much personality and character, and quite the imagination.  It's like his mother said: at that stage they're not quite kid yet but not baby either.  I guess they're just a human version of a spring zephyr.
Anyways... I do tend to get distracted.  I'm talking about Jude, but what brought me to this topic, or rather who is Quinn, the four and a half year old.   He was telling me about a children's tv show that they gave up as a "sacrifice" for Lent.  Now I get it that a two and a four year old might not necessarily understand fully the connotation of making sacrifices, but in their own young hearts, they get it on a child's level.  They are of the understanding that sacrifices make them better people, and that they make God happy.  An innocent child needs to know only that... and it's good enough for them.  It's amazing, and it's beautiful.  About an hour later I hear Quinn complaining about something (I can't remember now) and his mother told him gently that he should offer it up as a Lenten sacrifice.  He agreed and stopped his complaining.
This is setting a child up to be a heroic adult.  To see the supernatural side of our so natural lives!  It's how the early Christians were able to smile in the face of the roaring lions that were about to tear them to pieces because they refused to compromise, even just a tiny bit, their beliefs. 
and I'm distracted again...  guess I should shower and get ready for the day.

Tiny interim

Wow, it's been several years since I've updated this blog.  Not that I've forgotten it - indeed it seems like just a few months ago that I last wrote herein.
So much has transpired since then.  Capped to First, transferred to Japan, four more deployments out to sea.  The last two were as the LPO of the shop and my goodness what a joy and utter heartache that was, all at the same time.  I'm grateful to have undergone it, and so glad it's over.  Took the Chief's exam, and didn't make board.  A blessing in disguise I assume.  I had a really good LDO package ready for this year.   Oh well.

I'm thirty three years old.  I remember my mom being 33.  I was ten.  She was pregnant with my little brother Dave, number six.  I'm still single, and generally content with that - not happy exactly, but content.  I've lived many successful years being satisfied with content.  Someday happiness will be mine.  Fortunately for me, I have joy in my heart.  A soul can go its entire life on the fruits of joy.  Happiness is not necessary - it's merely a happening, a moment or sequence of moments in time that make our hearts swell to near bursting.  The feeling is glorious and desirable, but without joy it fades quickly and the crash is terribly and woefully exhausting.  So I can live without it I suppose... simply because it's not lasting.  Joy is.  Or rather it can be.  There are times when I feel like even joy has deserted my poor heart.  And on those days even I must admit to needing someone on whose shoulder I can rest my head... but no...

And speaking of my heart... well, let's just say that it beats a little stronger these days.  It's been put through quite a series of strenuous workouts over the past several months.  They say working out makes you strong.  Well there you go.

And then, there's someone I want to tell you about...  but maybe another time.  It's a very long story that I actually have chronicled in a series of email that were sent and received during my last months of sea duty.  Let it just suffice to be said that I rarely if ever write about someone, and this one... this one I'll write about.  It's a story that I don't ever want to forget; even if it does end up breaking my heart down for good.  That will be a rough day, and I pray that I don't see it (any time soon at least). *Le sigh*

One more hour until midnight... and then it's Sunday.  The third Sunday in Lent.  This Lent means a lot to me ♥